We had to rewrite some sentances.

The green snake slithered across the table.

Wound so tight he could have been a spring ready for action, Freddy the snake viewed his life as a dance, every move was a calculated gesture of seduction and threat. A snake has to eat, not be eaten so imagine Freddy’s surprise to find himself in a kitchen.

The damn French eat the strangest thing, so along went Freddy determined to escape, he coiled round his captors hand as a blade raised high above him, the flesh of the ‘Hermagun’ as he called them contorted and

Charlie the Gnome’s breath smelled like garbage.

Charlie spoke with anger, the air fouled with language that would turn a nun to the dark side had the wafting scent of rotting vedge and meat not knocked her out cold first. Gnome breath was usually a foul concoction but Charlie took this to extremes, he could burn a hole in the Ozone layer all by himself if he ever mustered up a big enough belch.

Lilly broke my heart into a million pieces.

It was like the world had come to a halt, the pounding in my chest slowed to a judder like an engine giving in to old Father Time, last stop heartbreak hotel.

Lilly stood there, eyes like thunder; standing over my wizard of oz extended edition, the only copy in existence. The one that contains the admission that gnomes played the munchkins, she’d done it out of spite, spurning the love of lilly the tree elf had been a huge mistake, one that could not be rectified with tape and glue. The disc would never be played again.

“You care more about your stupid disc then you do about me!” her words were harsh and indignant; she was in the right in her world. She’d done a good job in hurting me so.

With the disc snapped, the walls of my heart caved in. I’d sold my soul for that disc, a heavy price to may and with it’s destruction I was like Dorian Gray, broken, dead but not as gay as he was. Shattered, destroyed, a void had been created in my chest and Lilly was the cause.

Adolfa’s beautiful eyes shined like stars.

Adolfa had always been a mystery to the community around her. Where the world was cold, dark and cruel, Adolfa always managed to make the sunshine in those around her.

Her eyes were the key like a swirling nexus of reflected light, they drew the people around her in. she was a beauty to behind and every fleck and sparkle that shone from those deep set orbs was a blessing for in those eyes was the secret to serenity.

Adolfa brought peace to those she saw, the only way she knew how… a swift whack to the forehead with a hatchet. Her eyes were a gift from the gods, her lust for blood, came from another place entirely.

Charlie drove the old car down the dusty road.

The sharp sting of small stone against metal crackled to life as Charlie took a left down the old dirt road. Tink Tink Tink came the noise from the wheel well as dirt and stone were picked up by the rubber treads and cast asunder. Only the dust caused Charlie issue as copious amounts billowed like smoke from the underbelly of his Gnomeregon 4000, the fanciest sports car known to gnomekind.

The great engine spewed forth the grime up onto the windscreen and Charlie steered the car to a halt for another quick sniff of Fairy Heaven… trapped in a small container was a being so pure that the smallest amount of ‘sprinkles’ as Charlie called it, from her wings would create the most vivid of hallucinations..

Charlie was found a week later in his garage, he’d not actually gone anywhere and the fumes had killed him. One less gnome to worry about.

I accepted the gift from the decrepit old hag and took a bite from the blood-red apple.

Nice is Different than good the words of my mother popped into my head as I surveyed the old lady before me. Hooked nose, flowing yet shabby black clock that covered the grimmest of faces. Dark piercing eyes that wouldn’t be lost on the head of a crow. She looked like she may have been on the FBI’s Most Wanted Fairy Tale Villains watch list.
Yet the sheen of the gift, the freshness and soft peel of the apple was so enticing… a waxy hue had settled where the sun and kissed the fruits tender skin.

The old hag was grinning at me, a toothless grin as I cupped the apple in both hands and raised it to my nose; an inhalation of the apples scene, took me to where the thing was grown, an orchard full of life.

That’s when I could resist no longer and took a bite… SOAP!

“No.. no… dear…” the old hag pulled her cloak aside and place her basket of fruit down “They cleany cleany!!”

She spoke with a raspy lisp as her tongue slipped free from her toothless mouth with every word, slipping over her pitted, dry lips.

My mouth, began to bubble and fizz, it was burning; the sensation lead my eyes to water and once again the fizzing turned into a pop, I fell to the ground, the fallen twigs, stones and branches digging in to my knees as I landed, rooting me to the floor.

I looked up to see the old lady legging it…

And here was Mr Shipps Response… more praise and the spot where he says I should use one in a short story, I do have a vampire short story in the works where it would fit.

Nice job rewriting these sentences, Clifford!

coiled round his captors hand

the wafting scent of rotting vedge and meat

he could burn a hole in the Ozone layereyes like thunder;

the walls of my heart caved in.

like a swirling nexus of reflected lightevery fleck and sparkle that shone from those deep set orbs

a swift whack to the forehead with a hatchet.

Her eyes were a gift from the gods, her lust for blood, came from another place entirely. (I love this line. You definitely need to use this in a short story or novel at some point.)

sharp sting of small stone against metal crackled to life

billowed like smoke from the underbelly of his Gnomeregon 4000

The great engine spewed forth the grime

Hooked nose, flowing yet shabby black clock that covered the grimmest of faces. Dark piercing eyes that wouldn’t be lost on the head of a crow. She looked like she may have been on the FBI’s Most Wanted Fairy Tale Villains watch list. (These sentences are fantastic!)

Yet the sheen of the gift, the freshness and soft peel of the apple was so enticing… a waxy hue had settled where the sun and kissed the fruits tender skin.

a raspy lisp as her tongue slipped free from her toothless mouth with every word, slipping over her pitted, dry lips.

the fizzing turned into a pop, I fell to the ground, the fallen twigs, stones and branches digging in to my knees as I landed, rooting me to the floor.

You wrote many awesome sentences in this exercise, Clifford. For me, your imagery kept getting better and better as I read through the exercise.

-Jeremy