Many a geeky weekend have I been on but none have impressed me more than the SFX Weekender. The first of many or so they think…

Lets just say, inviting films to premiere and stars to appear at an event held by SFX magazine is an honour. The magazine looks great, the articles are fresh and well I hardly ever read it… I’m turned on by this new fangled information web thing.

The thing is, when you’re as good as SFX Magazine you really need to think about holding your event in a city centre somewhere like London, Manchester or even Glasgow.  Not in the middle of no where at a summer holiday park called Pontins.

It really doesn’t give the best impression when you’re inviting stars from hit TV shows to appear at a Pontins holiday park that wouldn’t be a miss in a scene from Schindler’s List. Yes, most of the guests were afraid to take showers in their accommodation for a fear that gas would come out instead of water.

The user reviews had been right all along, this was HELL ON EARTH and resembled a scene out of Left for Dead 2. In fact Clive Barker could create a tale of terror or two in this surroundings. I didn’t take one picture for fear that one day I would come across it and be forced to relive the nightmare that was The SFX Weekender.

My story set in that place where the paint peeled off the chalets and mould grew in the bedrooms? My story would involve vampires that slowly sucked the souls out of campers at night.  Our heroine would discover that the retarded and soulless attendants that served hot dogs and what not throughout the opening hours of the camp were in fact stealing the souls of the residents during the night.

The blue coats would be the demons keeping these hapless souls in servitude.  Really the attendants that worked at the park looked like they wanted to kill themselves or at least suffered from a mental defect or two to keep them going through the day.

It was awful but at least I had the company with me so that I could grin and bear it.

The first day was interesting to say the least.  We all walked into the main hall and was HIT with this smell of geeky sweat and grime.  As if we’d missed some kind of wild orgy where fat people had rubbed up against one n other and cultivated stale sweat under their fatty folds and just lifted them up to knockout the geeky competition.

It was vile, I’ve never smelt anything as bad as that… and I’ve done some really stinky poops in my time.

I really don’t know what to say, there were a handful of vendors, the signing queue was so long I just couldn’t be arsed and once we’d walked round once, we were done… the only problem was we were checked in for 48 hours!! GOD HELP US!!

Luck would have it though that Alan Jones (Frightfest, Fangoria), Jake West (Evil Aliens) and Chris Smith (Triangle) were all there to do a panel.  They were just as bemused as we were.  Although Alan was verging on the side of killing all those involved in booking him at Pontins.  No one had come to show them where or what they would be doing.

The lineup/programme kept changing and in fact did not resemble the programme they’d sent to us only a day or two before.  Films had been replaced with To be Confirmed and I’m guessing, they’d finally admitted where the event was going to be held to those involved, who promptly had other commitments preventing them from attending.

Words can not describe how bad it was.  Had it not been for the Frightfest boys chatting to us and the people I’d met via twitter, also some other folks who attend frightfest. I may have lost hope and slit my wrists there and then.

It was Hell On Earth.  One of the staff actually carried a gun… I think she’d killed an alien geek who had been complaining about not having a shower head.  The poor geek didn’t stand a chance when faced with the Pontin’s Complaints Department.

It was just bad and I’m so glad Giz didn’t have to pay for our tickets when he invited us to it.  It was great to catch up with the guys again but when I had a chance to escape, I RAN.  I don’t drink you see and all that was there was Drinking.  Drink to forget the hell hole you’re in…Drink and you’ll have fun!!

What a message to send at a family holiday camp.  Even the security was telling us to eat off the park if we wanted to live.  Down the road to the left was a pub that look like it was lifted directly out of Eden Lake (RENT IT) and to the right was a pub that looked and felt like it was filled with the locals from The Slaughtered Lamb from An American Werewolf In London.

There were guest and there were signings, the only problem was, queuing time was approximately SIX HOURS according to the SFX forums, who are now blaming the firm they hired to organise the event.  It’s YOUR name on the banner SFX, take responsibility.  This company would have told you of their plans throughout the whole process and someone will have given them the okay to organise things.

Let the heads start rolling!!

How I would have done it? I would have opened up the gaming room that didn’t need all that space. Shoved the limited vendors in there and opened up the room a little more.

I would have put the signings where the vendors were formerly so that you could have more than one merged queue which confused A LOT of people and also allowed organisers to gauge how popular a guest was and if they’re not that popular, allow more time with the geeks that want to meet them.

CLOSE the bar and any additional exits during a screening.  All the events that required attention were plagued with ringing tills, people bursting in and chatting throughout.  People on stilts in thongs, Daleks and people with TV for heads vying for attention near the vendors.  At one point Alan Jones pointed out the ladies in thongs on stilts during his Frightfest talk and I turned… he told me off for getting distracted.  It was funny though.

It was a poorly organised mess and although our initial walk in the wasteland of Camber Sands during off season made us all feel like we were about to be descended on by zombies.  The event fell flat.

SFX REALLY need to move this as I know one movie was pulled because the director did not want the premiere to be at a ‘Fucking Pontins’.  The world premiere at that of a film that will more than likely get some nifty press from the people behind it.

I have been informed that this film will get a premiere in London at some point in March/April

SFX, pull your finger out. Admit you ballsed up and you’ll be forgiven but PLEASE don’t hold this thing at Pontins again it’s an awful depressing place that steals the souls of innocents and turns people into chronic alcoholics.

I won’t be going again, not unless Giz invites me again but because I escaped early I think the man envies me… In fact I think I saw him running after the car in sheer panic that he would have to serve the whole sentence.

What a mess… Stick with Frightfest, Starfury Events or the London Expo.  All have fantastic guests and all have some great entertainment to keep you going throughout the events.

Run, Run now… Camber Sands I shall never see you again, that is Unless Melissa George shows.